CURIOUS CAKE

MSN空间越来越不好用，总是有很多毛病让我想写点什么的兴趣全无。

 

总的来说，07年是继06之后又很坎坷的一年，我的心理上不断承受着一波未平一波又起的打击。每次以为逃过一劫时，想着人生最惨不过如此，再惨能惨到哪里呢？紧接着就会有意想不到的又一起浩瀚风波！莫非上天真的如此眷顾我，要苦其心志之后再降其大任？又或者说上天要让所有人都公平些，要把以前给我的荣耀都拿回去，让我重新睁开双眼看清这平静之下的暗涌？如果正是如此，那它的目的真的达到了。不过也正如此，我也认识到自己的韧性，更加坚定了继续向着既定的目标的决心。

 

日子要继续，无论轻松抑或艰辛。毕业也有些日子了，正式开始找工也有一个月了。虽然每天都要花一个小时吊针，且要坚持吞下那些会让我眼花耳鸣作呕头昏的药丸，我还是坚持每天投上十分八份简历打上一两通电话。现在投出的简历也有两百了，面试却才两三回，每次都是双方条件得不到一致。我要对自己说“NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!"谁说过，既然选择了远方，就要乘风破浪。

 

08年，是坚持奋斗再接再厉的一年！

I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 a.m.,receptionsist then help me have a few paper works done.By that time,I knew all the fees occurred for the operation in hospital today will be covered by my private health insurance,that's really good.Later on a nurse led me to my private room which were shared with another lady,and we have our own bathroom.The nurse did some basic body check for me,such as blood pressure,heartbeat,etc.I also odered my lunch and dinner from the hospital's menu.Untill 10:20 two staff came and transfer me to the operation room.Maybe I am too out of date to realise how advanced the bed I was lying is!It just like an automatic toy directed by a controller, and it even dose not need to be pushed by people themselves.

 

All the staff are very nice!The anaesthetist called Andrew even told me to do more gymnastic because he found that I was so slim.After the anaesthetic was given,I fell sleep immidiately...Then I woke up with a thrilling feeling which is explained as a feeling caused by the injected medicine using for waking up people.After 4 hours' inspection I went home.

 

I am gonna see the surgeon on Wednesday and may get the result by that time.

Next monday, the surgeon is gonna do the operation for me trying to get the lymph nodes out and check them out.

 

Thursday,Dr Green will come out the final diagnosis--normal disease or cancer.

 

A lot of people told me that I was born to be lucky,and I've never thought about that cancer would happen on me,especially at this age.

 

I don't believe!I will not believe.

 

After over two months observing,and i still feel uncomfortble or even worse, doctor Green decided to send me to do the CT scan.Today,he checked the CT films and relavant report, and then told me that I need do a biopsy now!I dont know what is exactly going on now. I think before he come out his final conculsion,he will not tell me how serious the situation it is.I am so upset!Eventually, I called him again afternoon about the possibility to be the Lymphoma. He said it would be 25%!Compared to the last time examination, this is quite a high possibility.

 

Anyway,I am gonna see the surgery Bob Miller who are referred by doctor Green tomorrow and let him explain more details for me and book me in his operation schedule.I will get my final result on Thursday next week!

 

It is really a challenge in my life,I dont know what I will face in one week, live or die,comedy or tragedy.Someone once told me that god granted me too much, and he feel envy.So it may be fair if I am frustrated like this.

 

 

I had an appointment with Dr Green at 5:30 today, and I went there very early--nearly waited for 1.5 hrs. When I was in the waiting room, I can feel that my heart was beating so fast!I prayed several times,then I met the doctor.Dr Green is an associate professor and specialist in Haematology and Oncology, and he is so kind.After he checked my blood test result and did a quick body check,he told me that I might get the big lympho nodes from virus infection, and the possibilty to be lymphoma is quite low.I felt a bit release!However, he still advised me to observe for 2-3 weeks to see if the lympho nodes will become smaller,otherwise I do have to do the CT scan.Anyway, he is so experienced, and he can tell me that it seems more likely a virus infection other than more serious disease.I can take a deep breath now.

 

The next thing I should do is to do another blood test to check out what exact virus it could be,and wait for a few weeks until the size of the lympho nodes return to normal!

 

Thank goodness!It sounds a good news for me,and makes me feel more comfortable now.

I am always a strong minded person, and have never belived god or superpower before.However, I can feel the existence of something which are outside my version.I may make a huge mistake, and all the following things happened to me seem to be against it.Eventually, I nearly fall down,bu luckly I am not given up yet.I can feel the power which are still keeping on draging me back these days.

 

I am so scared to the pain that I might suffer later these days. I am not afraid of death, but can not imagine how painful my parents and friends who love me so much will feel.I prefer to go somewhere alone and no one will realise my disappearance.I am glade to say"I am very good"to Mum when she ask me about my health;I am writing my feeling in English in order to avoid being discovered by her;I blocked my dear friends in China on MSN, so that no one can indirectly tell my parents what is happening.

 

I went to church with Uncle Lim today,the pastor prayed for me, and for my Mum as well. That's so grateful!

 

Tommorrow I am gonna see doctor Green,hope,hope,hope...

 

 

Uncle Lim said "god granted us so beautiful lives!",he is always grateful for everything he has got.

Maybe he is right, maybe not.I even don know if I really have a future or my life will end soon.

 

Last week,I noticed there was a lump on my right side neck. After taking a ultra sound check and a x-ray check, doctor started suspecting it would be Lymphoma!What a sudden shock.

 

I dunt know what I should cry for.

I cant believe this misery comes to me by now.

 

Specialist will give the confirmation on Monday.

 

I pray...

 

Our Father in Heaven,

hallowed be your name,

your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as in Heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us our sins

as we forgive those who sin against us.

Save us from the time of trial

and deliver us from evil.

[For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours

now and for ever.] Amen.